WE DID IT!
As promised a retrospective look back on an experience of a lifetime, personally one I never intent to repeat.
It sounds a bit soppy but when you’ve been as close knit with four other old crotchety miserable moaning fat gits for 10 days morning ’til night, you may say you get to know what makes them tick and develop a sort of close bonding through blood, sweat, tears, sympathy and empathy for each others pain
Absolute rubbish! All for one and everyone for themselves!
And long may it continue. We’ve currently raised over £23k including gift aid for charity. Coyly Pat sniggers ‘I’ve raised the most you miserable b*******ds’! 
Andy’s sitting pretty; raising the most in the Birmingham contingent Damn!
I guess it’s this miserableness that got us on our bikes in the first place and made us persevere to travel up the country through rain, hail ice and snow with NE winds when they were forecast by Mr Coleman to be behind us wafting our fat bodies up hill and down dale to JO’G. What went wrong with the weather? One week on and all would have been different.
Proud of ourselves getting into Bettyhill on the last day we barge into a hotel tea room frequented by the locals to brashly exclaim “We did well to battle through that massive wind out there this morning” then cut to the quick when a clipped Scottish accent rising from an elderly lady nearly choking on her soup saying “That’s a breeze, that’s nay a wind ye’ shud ha’ bin here last week” Her compatriots who obviously meet up regularly I think for a bit of local sport and pick on Le Jog riders cast one more put down smug grin as they trough another spoon of steaming hot broth. Another chalk goes on the table leg as they have successfully extinguished another bunch of upstarts from South of the border. An elderly couple (clearly from a feuding clan!) looking on sympathetically came over with a Scottish £10 note, taking pity on us said quietly we’d done very well and should be congratulated.
So the rambling continues, and a chance to fill in some of the gaps of the blog as the old grey matter tries to pull back some of the funnies that took place and a few photos along the way.
We started with a bit of advice that we should all shave our legs - for aerodynamic reasons!
Not really - it was to reduce the risk of infection if we fell and suffered the dreaded gravel rash! Three of us went with it - Andy, Seth and myself.
My two delightful girls, Jenny and Gina together with Mo (who I can confirm is a big fan of highland cattle!)….. 
decided the best way to do it was with Veet (old Immac). Two things took place; they rubbed body lotion into my legs post ‘Veeting’ on the basis it would prevent the potential dreaded after effect rash. They then unbeknown to me used fake tan on one leg instead of body lotion, so in the morning I spotted I had one striped brown leg and one white. Had I contracted some sort of rare skin disease I thought?
Whilst lashed to the table to remove my leg hair they also attacked my stomach ripping the hair off around my navel to then carefully pen a face on it
How gross is that!
The trip on the way down the odd couple get comfortable 
Sleep features heavily with this pair
Arguments as we know prevailed throughout the trip, albeit just handbags at dawn, pretty much to do with tiredness either early on or late in the evening. The only one who didn’t lose his temper at all during the 10 days was Eddie. 
Peace! Eddie did a fantastic job at the mere age of 74, getting up at 6am dealing with our tantrums, managing the kitty, ensuring the hotels are ok, and going to bed at 11pm, to do the same again for 10 days. In between time driving the van, stopping very 10 miles, topping up drinks and food, replenishing stocks. A big thankyou to Eddie. He did say that he enjoyed it and wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
We are a bit worried that he may have picked up some of the everyday Fat Blokes banter! Jaj reports that his return to home to his lovely wife was a tearful experience. Shortly to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary they have never been apart this long before, but on requesting Eddie to make a cup of tea the response of F! off do it yourself was a bit of a surprise and not the usual one experienced in the Coleman household.
Jaj lost it big time with Pat over the routes ranting and shouting spitting and snarling; Pat deciding to have a one man meeting with himself to decide the route and staying just far enough ahead so he couldn’t hear us when we shouted to him he’d gone the wrong way.
Seth screamed at Pat when as a supehero he was tending Jaj whilst smearing dog***t over the van for Pat to get upset and comment on Jaj’s injuries that Pat had experienced bigger scratches on his manhood than the ones to Jaj’s legs.
I fell out with Pat after I wanted to curl up and die coming in an hour later than everyone else having a miserable experience hating Drumochter Pass 
with knees on fire to be told by Pat that I needed to cheer up whist he was again moaning about the routes!
Is there a common theme here????? 
Andy turns into big time Mr Grumpy (and apparently remained that way on his return) with everyone on the final day when he set his alarm incorrectly and we didn’t wake him up! Not a happy bunny launching into everyone with his ruffled hair and obvious lack of recovery drink to aid his waking up process. It doesn’t help if he sets his alarm after a couple of pints of Guinness using a fork instead of a proper pointer thing. Please will someone get him a new one!
Seth’s stretching routines kept him in tip top shape - king of the mountains - waited for Pat on a few occasions! Sorry Pat, probably shouldn’t have mentioned this one! Ooops!
This one is specifically for Sandra 
OK going back to earlier in the trip it was a Sunday - it was the day Jaj fell out with Pat over the routes which led to this
Off route we meet up with Jaj’s cousin
We then make it back on to the main route - through Cheddar Gorge - we lose Seth on the Bristol cycle path - he eventually finds us - we go the long way around Bristol. Paddy claims he started off with a sign post for Bristol 5 miles at 11am and by 3pm Bristol was 12 miles away.
Seth runs over a grass snake - terrified thinking it was some sort of adder as Andy then gets lost. The irony for Seth is we have 3 GPS systems but still get lost on a regular basis. Paddy nearly crashes into Seth down one of our infamous tracks covered in moss. I squeeze my bulk between a car and a hedge at about 35mph around a blind bend down a narrow road. Pat was convinced the only way I got around it was to go over the top.
To finish off the day we then hit a massive hail storm as we approach Ross where family and friends had arranged to meet us for dinner. Deano one of our trusted biker friends had made arrangements to meet us in Bristol to ride the 50 odd miles in the afternoon from Bristol to Ross. When the snow and ice arrived in the morning Deano text us all to say “I don’t do snow” Here is ‘Snowy’ keeping warm whilst we head into Ross with hail attacking us like panel pins being fired from a sub machine gun.
On a separate note- this was the day Paddy again set off for glory ahead of us all. Jaj and I plugged on to arrive and be guided to the hotel using GPS. We found it quickly - soaked through and ice cold. To our amazement who should pop up behind us…..Paddy - he’d been cycling round for 20 minutes trying to find the hotel. Really very unhappy! Tee hee!
Seth getting his massage
Random one of Jaj. Have you ever watched Father Ted??? Who does this remind you of? 
He also has a thing for leaning against signs 
It’s a shame he didn’t heed this one before he fell and punctured his legs 
Jaj in action
Another one springs to mind for the Bristol day…. We turn a corner and there across a busy road are an old couple tending their garden with their treasured west highland terrier sitting calmly. The dog takes one look at us and starts to run wanting to take our legs off. Not a problem it’s on a lead, OH NO it’s one of those extending leads…. it gets half way into the road and a car misses it by inches, he then has another go and the lead comes with it again - another incredible near miss. The couple are spinning round trying to take it all in whilst the dog sits down as the couple look on totally bemused. Nearly another roadkill to go along with pheasants, deer, badgers….
Andy has had enough!
Family along the way
Much Wenlock
Andy In Action
Aha this reminds me about the problems Mr Wilson had down under!
What a team
This picture was taken shortly before Paddy ordered Andy to go over the main dual carriageway to get him some sports beans as he was desperate for a sugar boost! Andy obliged to keep him happy but clearly didn’t do it quickly enough for Pat. At this point Paddy launches a load of abuse across four lanes of traffic reminiscent of Jack from Father Ted demanding that Andy get his arse back over here asap with his beans and get on his bike to get moving. Andy then comes across the road and a class act from a circus unfolds. He dodges the traffic using a deft technique almost sliding between Mercs and BMWs using his cycling shoes as ice skates whilst the beans are being juggled from one hand to the other leaping in the air like those beans you used to get as a kid which wouldn’t stay still. Father Jack (Paddy) still shouting just increases the tension as we look on in horror!
More action shots
Andy’s special shot for Seth - going by a speed camera. Seth asked why there were so many signs for photo opportunities along dual carriageways and main roads etc. He’d taken a lot of pictures of roads to show folks back home… Seth they are warning signs for speed cameras. Yankee ****!
New boots in order by the time we get to Scotland
Another snippet as we pass through the Bolton area - four lads must have been about 8 -10 shouting in a very broad accent “Goooo on lllads ev’ry mile counts!
Close by we take a diversion and stand alongside Mr Dave Haslam’s Walton Homes Care Fun Bus. Dave is another one of our absentee friends. He owns this care home and we have ha the use of this ‘fun bus’ for many a year to cart us around Ireland on our ‘biking trips’ Haslam no where to be seen as we roll on by. Paddy accosts a young lady coming out of the nursing home getting right into her face claiming it shouldn’t be a problem if we had our photo took alongside the bus as we know the owner. The scared woman said you can do what you like, I’m a hairdresser.
Pat looking a bit scary
Also puzzled that on the day we go through Lancaster heading for Ingleton, late, tired, may miss dinner, traffic really busy. Another point, the drivers irrespective of the fact that Lancaster proudly pronounces they are a city of cycling are the worst drivers we came across. In fact two cyclists were lying in the road as we went through and it wasn’t looking very good with sirens wailing as paramedics made their way to help them. Anyway, whilst we trudged our way through, Paddy was bemused given the time pressures and stress levels why we would take a diversion, go to Morecambe to see Andy’s aunty Betty’s for tea and home made ginger cake!
Another cold day - this is where we got donated 6 Mars bars - sympathy vote
Drumochter Pass leading to Dalwhinnie and the distillery - highest village in Scotland
£30 for a signed T shirt - good business. Paddy sticks his foot in it - this couple weren’t married Paddy leaps to wrong conclusion! A tumbleweed moment passes
The morning after 
Wilson wants to go all arty - no one interested. Barn owls lived in this desolate church and around about.
Close your eyes - me at work doing the blog early one morning
Happy days
Scenic
Painful
Joy - nearly there
And one of our excursions along the way
And so to the end - we bid you farewell a fond one with some great memories
Thanks to everyone for your fantastic support and generosity & if you haven’t coughed up yet we’ll be chasing you!
THE FAT BLOKES!
Arrived! 6.38pm after 95 miles split between the wind and rain against up to Bettyhill for lunch, followed by the wind with us on the 55 mile ride into John O’Groats.
All Pat’s family greeted us with Pats brother Des and partner Ber making a surprise appearance coming over from Ireland on a motorbike. The Murphy’s and malt whisky from a massive selection in the hotel bar went down well.
Thanks to all friends, families and colleagues for your fantastc support. It’s been a great help in getting us through an incredible experience not to be repeated!
Paddy irrespective of what we said at the hotel, we’ve had a meeting at the airport and we will see you again!
For someone who is 61 soon to be 62 your fitness level and ability to keep going is obscene
Two key stats for now, 950 miles, short of the thousand due to changes in routes on a day by day basis.
Total vertical climbt for the whole trip over 57000ft, equivalent to riding a bike up into the stratosphere.
Over 80 hours in the saddle and 77000calories burnt, close to the 466 equivalent Crème eggs
Really tough day with ice cold rain & hail in the hills of Scotland.
The best analogy I can think of for the way we feel is a heavyweight boxer slugging it out in the final rounds of a 15 round bout. Battered & bruised whilst drained of energy.
The tens machines wired to each knee whilst riding are doing the trick. One day to go!
Stats for today; 102 miles, 12.1mph avge speed, 6775 calories, 8 hours 25 mins in saddle, 4100ft of vertical climb. First puncture of the trip 4 all of us. Jaj had a blowout (tyre) & checking his other tyre revealed that was ready to go too, so we changed both.
The answer to the most common asked question is yes , very!! The topic of many conversations starts like this ‘how sore is your arse?’ ‘I’ve got………………….and its kiling me
Late blog due to being knackered! Really tough day 96 miles, more route issues, at one point 4 of us carrying our Bikes through the estate of a castle
Lunch at Pitlochry and then over Drumochter pass through Dalwhinnie which is the highest village in Scotland.
Stats 96 miles 8 hours 34 minutes in saddle 7222 calories and 5314ft of vertical climb. Next stop Lairg with two days to go
A tough start climbing out of Langholm through the Borders wiith the rain lashing down, up and down the hills with snow around us and the odd car going by covered in snow
We climbed into the clouds and then descended over 5 miles - the best downhill we’ve had on the tour so far.
Andy through the snow.
The rain/sleet and snow continued as we deperately tried to find somewhere open for a warm drink - the only place that looked promising was shut due to a fire! Finlly reached Peebles for lunch. I secure couple of Tens machines, one for each knee, coupled with nurofen, paracetamol should do the trick.
Onwards to Edinburgh - Paddy turned madman - second in his performance in dodging cars to Lancaster. His theory is that cars won’t hit you as they don’t want the hassle of clearing up the mess (it’s all a front this tough Irish thing really - he quietly confessed that he needed to be with his Siobhan as soon as he can)
Seth queried why there seemed to be a lot of photo opportunities in and around our cities - when we pointed out the picture signs were speed cameras. We’ve finally got hime to say ‘root’ for route instead of ‘rowt’. He tried to argue the point about woodworking and router similarly Edinburgh is not Edinburrow!
The rain lashed down as we got lost several times through Edinburgh - Paddy up to his usual trick asking all and sundry - one guy suggested he went on the motorway. I asked directions at one point and the guy said ‘where have you come from?’ Lands End I replied ‘What today?
Forth Bridge has a fair bit of bobbing up and down as you go across on a bike
Another flare up occurs between Seth and Patrick - Seth carried on when everyone turned right. This follows on from an earlier comment when Paddy was helping me long at the back and I asked Paddy what is he doing with me leaving Seth out in front? Paddy replied ‘I want that yankee ****** to know what its like to be out in the front on his own, I’ve been towing him along since St Ives.
We finished the houney through to Kinross by going through a village called the Hill of Beath which should be renamed the Hill of Death!
Stats for today. Miles 99. Calories 7936. Vertical climb 5403 ft. Time in saddle 7 hours 56 minutes
Taking aview on calories - its important to put back whats been used. Jaj commented that he thought he was doing a good job so we jotted it down and here it is for today:
1 Weetabix with milk and sugar
Porridge with milk and sugar
2 fried eggs on toast
Orange juice
Tea - white no sugar
Bowl of soup & bread & butter
Bacon egg & chips
1 energy bar
bag of jelly babies
2 Mars Bars
1 Snickers Bar
2 Bananas
Chip butty
Tea
Caesar salad
Mixed fish potatoes and asparagus
Sticky Toffee pudding, ice cream nestled in a brandy snap basket
Coffee
2 litres carbohydrate drink
500ml recovery drink
1 pint lager shandy
1 pint of Guinness
I’m not sure but I reckon this is more like 20,000 calories rather than 8,000
Jaj is complaining of a dodgy stomach and is apparently blaming it on the 500 ml of carbohydrate drink
Tomorrow we’re off on day 8 through the Grampians towards Aviemore with more rain and hail predicted but the wind is forecast to be behind us… bliss!
Pictures from previous days:
Andy with Aunty Betty in Morecambe
Morecambe to Ingleton late evening
Jaj’s Injury being tended to by Seth the paramedic - don’t worry kids it’s his thumb!
Paddy and Seth on Devils Bridge near Kirkby Lonsdale - arguing about the rowt
Over the summit of Shap
Welcome to Scotland the only place we’ve received donations on route - from three individual people totalling £31.50 today alone
Paddy let it slip that he’d been on Manchester local radio as we cycled through the area. Also he’d been in the local papers as well as the Irish Post. Google Patspedalpush and you’lll find the articles
Ok just finished ice packing the swollen knees and back to yesterday….. We stop to take cover in the rain, change clothes and refuel again. Three of us in the van at the front and Jaj lying across the bags through the side door with Patrick looking on in disgust
Time comes to move onand Jaj slips on the van step smashing his shins on the edge of the van causing two puncture wounds. Seth the all American paramedic superhero jumps into action with bandages pressure points and stuff. Andy and I make sure we don’t disturb the proceedings and stay in the van (Andy did pop out to get a picture) too gory for here though. Paddy says its a flesh wound and leaving it open to the rain will sort it out soon enough ” Come on lets get going” whilst Seth talks about a hospital visit. Jaj braves it out after dressings applied, but only after the Irish and American combination strikes again as Seth steps in the only piece of Dog***t within four miles and then proceeds to spread it all over Paddys bags in the van. After another fall out across the nations I suggest to Paddy that its best to look on the funny side of it and he’ll look back and laugh later on. This had the effect of Paddy getting on his bike and racing away like a demon possessed not to be seen for another hour.
We stop for lunch in Chorley picking up with John (thanks for sorting out the van - would be lost without it - lost with it too - in joke)
Next stop just outside Morecambe to see andy’s Aunties who are waving Union Jacks with hot gingerbread & tea. After a really warm welcome we head off to Ingleton 4 miles along a fantastic cycle path and then a really tough end to the day through some glorious countryside to reach the Pines B & B at 8pm. Dinner at a local pub where orders stop at 8.45 means another rapid change, out to meet up with Patrick’s son Patrick junior and June Paddys wife. Another good night and off to bed.
Stats 105.5 miles 7 hours 47 minutes in the saddle average speed 13.6mph 7426 calories and only 3529ft of vertical climb - all appeared to be at the end of the day. Jaj after completing a difficult Day
and Kays (Jaj’s wife) classic comment was “You should have shaved your legs like you were told to, you’ve got more chance on infection now!”
Andy on a final climb
So now to today….. another early start out of Ingleton to Kirkby Lonsdale and then on to Kendal. Pretty tough start through the hills. Eddie (Jaj’s Dad) our Support Driver and giving us great help along the way put us under a bit of stress as the pre arranged 10 mile stop had doubled to 20 due to a map issue and change of route along the way.
Seth and Patrick are flying and reach the Shap ascent with Jaj behing and Andy & myself bringing up the rear. Shap is another 1400 ft climb over a 14 mile journey, tough cold and my knees are starting to really hurt. Dave Smith - thanks for your support and yes you were right it would eventually hurt - fortunately its a bit further on than forecast and I hope I can keep going.
Paddy and Seth are now long lost friends and forging ahead - for how long? Seth is beginning to inch ahead of Paddy - I can see more trouble brewing!
Lunch in Carlisle which happened to be 60 miles out of a shorter than planned 82 milejourney again didn’t seem to make a lot of sense given that we had lunch at 3pm and we thought half of 82 is 41 not 60! Its all relative I suppose depending on how you are feeling. Good banter ensues, and off we go through Carlisle and unexpectedly a call from a good colleague Tim Ellis arrives on the scene to offer support with Lucozade and his son Ben. Great to see him and thanks again to all messages of support. Final run in to Langholm takes us over the Scottish border where there’s a bit of team bonding before we undoubtedly will fall out again tomorrow. Arrive in hotel - desparate to dunk my swollen knees in a hot bath to get a room with a shower that subsequently has no water - great! Complain and get my room changed - drag all my bags out down a flight of stairs to miss the last three steps and fall on my knees! Poleaxed for 5 minutes to be found flat on the floor lying on my bags by Eddie. Ice packs and hot water I’m hoping with sort me out for tomorrow.
One for a bit of amusement - how do you manage to back up to a wall in a big van and get it this close without touching the wall? Dunno but Eddie did it
Final stats for today 83 miles 7 hours 8 minutes in the saddle Average Speed 11.6mph 5869 calories and 5044 ft of total ascent. On to the final 4 days!
Rain, Pain and Dog***t!!
We start on a roll out of Nantwich in the busy traffic after our breakfast meeting re: the route.
It doesn’t take long for Paddy to start accosting drivers asking for directions which confirm what we agreed in the morning and planned on the bike Gps
The rain, and icy cold weather start biting into aching joints. Stopping to refuel & change clothes - the garage owner took pity on us and donated 6 Mars Bars.
We stop and meet Bob Hope (honestly) who is a big supporter after tragically losing his 25year old daughter recently to Cancer
Ploughing on through the icy rain we take another …….sorry folks falling asleep will finish tomorrow …watch this space
After a tough morning (62 miles) we eventually arrived in Much Wenlock to meet Andys Mum and Dad for lunch. Talking of Andy - here he is getting pummelled by the masseuse yesterday
After a massive run down out of Much Wenlock we turned right, climbed…… and climbed……. and climbed. This was followed by the best runs we have had so far and brought us into Nantwich at 7.15pm.
After the near world war yesterday we now have a daily breakfast meeting and agreed that 100 miles a day means the scenery has to go out of the window! All friends again then.
Catching up from yesterday - here’s a shot of the bike going over a fence which really brough the scenic routes to an end
Also cycling up Cheddar Gorge yesterday with the snow on the trees, the sun shining and kids building snowmen in the hills was fantastic. This photo doesn’t do it justice but here we go
Proof of the earlier blog of Pats upside down Sat Nav - No I wasn’t making it up
Seth had a bad day yesterday which prompted a comment of support for Seth from his good Irish friend Oonagh To put the record straight he had a great day today - many times leading the pack and he has always been king of the hills. No falling off bikes today (that one has been saved for Andy - and by pure fluke Ihave a video of it - priceless!) It is true that Seth has flown all the way from Alaska to do this with us- so we shouldn’t be giving him a hard time. For Seth its his first time today of breaking the 100 miles ride barrier - happy bunny
Good to meet up with Pats wife June and daughter Siobhan and had a laugh with us over dinner - taking our washing away too!
Stats for today - weather realy kind to us, cold early on with a flurry of snow showers but brightened up in the afternoon.
Time in the saddle 8 hours, Distance 103.4 miles 13mph average speed. 7428 calories, and 5145 ft of vertical climb
I’m sharing a room with Pat so need to log off now before his snoring gets any louder.
So much to tell but not enough time to give it justice. Snow, hail, icy winds, a blizzard and sunshine. Arguments over the route as we head down more country lanes, takiing a chance by going down a very steep hill where a sign said Road Closed meant we passed 5 bikes over a 6ft fence. Seth fell off his bike again (twice). He also got lost; He is American & has a credit card that does’t work, no cash, no phone, none of our numbers and a vague recollection of where we were heading. Seth arrived as we had just eaten a quick Sunday lunch and going out of the door. He then proceeded to run over a grass snake.
Many more tales to tell but the day ended well as it was great to meet up with th families at Ross for a meal. One of the girls had kindly sorted a welcome massage out (if it’s good enough for Shearer).
Key stats for today 104.4miles, 8hrs 46mins in the sadde, 8000 calories burnt. 11.9mph avge speed. 5016ft of vertical climb. Time for bed, Nantwich tommorrow.
The hills are not alive with the sound of music! After a tough day yesterday it just got tougher. Again we have climbed over 7300 ft comng out of Cornwall, through Devon and now into Somerset. We have purposefully chosen to stay off the main roads but this has added climbing and taken us down some country roads with unexpected features.
Hazel and Colin … your fish are safe, given the climbs yesterday we decided to skirt Boscastle after the fear Colin put into us about the hill out of the seaside resort. I’m not sure if it was a double bluff because the way we chose was horrendous - here we are roughly parallel to Boscastle
Seth has had a couple of close shaves, both where he couldn’t unclip his pedals in time - one proved to be hilarious coming to a complete stop then keeling over into a hedge full of brambles. Reminiscent of the bar sketch out of Only Fools and Horses.
One upside of the climbs uphill is comingdown the other side, and Andy holds the top speed at just over 48mph.
Useless facts of the day. 98.22 miles, time in the saddle 8 hours 15 minutes, although we left at 8.10am and arrived in Taunton at 7.30pm. 11.9 average mph. 7880 calories burnt.
Ross on Wye tomorrow and we are looking forward to meeting up with families in the evening.
Thanks to everyone for messages of support