WE DID IT!
As promised a retrospective look back on an experience of a lifetime, personally one I never intent to repeat.
It sounds a bit soppy but when you’ve been as close knit with four other old crotchety miserable moaning fat gits for 10 days morning ’til night, you may say you get to know what makes them tick and develop a sort of close bonding through blood, sweat, tears, sympathy and empathy for each others pain
Absolute rubbish! All for one and everyone for themselves!
And long may it continue. We’ve currently raised over £23k including gift aid for charity. Coyly Pat sniggers ‘I’ve raised the most you miserable b*******ds’! 
Andy’s sitting pretty; raising the most in the Birmingham contingent Damn!
I guess it’s this miserableness that got us on our bikes in the first place and made us persevere to travel up the country through rain, hail ice and snow with NE winds when they were forecast by Mr Coleman to be behind us wafting our fat bodies up hill and down dale to JO’G. What went wrong with the weather? One week on and all would have been different.
Proud of ourselves getting into Bettyhill on the last day we barge into a hotel tea room frequented by the locals to brashly exclaim “We did well to battle through that massive wind out there this morning” then cut to the quick when a clipped Scottish accent rising from an elderly lady nearly choking on her soup saying “That’s a breeze, that’s nay a wind ye’ shud ha’ bin here last week” Her compatriots who obviously meet up regularly I think for a bit of local sport and pick on Le Jog riders cast one more put down smug grin as they trough another spoon of steaming hot broth. Another chalk goes on the table leg as they have successfully extinguished another bunch of upstarts from South of the border. An elderly couple (clearly from a feuding clan!) looking on sympathetically came over with a Scottish £10 note, taking pity on us said quietly we’d done very well and should be congratulated.
So the rambling continues, and a chance to fill in some of the gaps of the blog as the old grey matter tries to pull back some of the funnies that took place and a few photos along the way.
We started with a bit of advice that we should all shave our legs - for aerodynamic reasons!
Not really - it was to reduce the risk of infection if we fell and suffered the dreaded gravel rash! Three of us went with it - Andy, Seth and myself.
My two delightful girls, Jenny and Gina together with Mo (who I can confirm is a big fan of highland cattle!)….. 
decided the best way to do it was with Veet (old Immac). Two things took place; they rubbed body lotion into my legs post ‘Veeting’ on the basis it would prevent the potential dreaded after effect rash. They then unbeknown to me used fake tan on one leg instead of body lotion, so in the morning I spotted I had one striped brown leg and one white. Had I contracted some sort of rare skin disease I thought?
Whilst lashed to the table to remove my leg hair they also attacked my stomach ripping the hair off around my navel to then carefully pen a face on it
How gross is that!
The trip on the way down the odd couple get comfortable 
Sleep features heavily with this pair
Arguments as we know prevailed throughout the trip, albeit just handbags at dawn, pretty much to do with tiredness either early on or late in the evening. The only one who didn’t lose his temper at all during the 10 days was Eddie. 
Peace! Eddie did a fantastic job at the mere age of 74, getting up at 6am dealing with our tantrums, managing the kitty, ensuring the hotels are ok, and going to bed at 11pm, to do the same again for 10 days. In between time driving the van, stopping very 10 miles, topping up drinks and food, replenishing stocks. A big thankyou to Eddie. He did say that he enjoyed it and wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
We are a bit worried that he may have picked up some of the everyday Fat Blokes banter! Jaj reports that his return to home to his lovely wife was a tearful experience. Shortly to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary they have never been apart this long before, but on requesting Eddie to make a cup of tea the response of F! off do it yourself was a bit of a surprise and not the usual one experienced in the Coleman household.
Jaj lost it big time with Pat over the routes ranting and shouting spitting and snarling; Pat deciding to have a one man meeting with himself to decide the route and staying just far enough ahead so he couldn’t hear us when we shouted to him he’d gone the wrong way.
Seth screamed at Pat when as a supehero he was tending Jaj whilst smearing dog***t over the van for Pat to get upset and comment on Jaj’s injuries that Pat had experienced bigger scratches on his manhood than the ones to Jaj’s legs.
I fell out with Pat after I wanted to curl up and die coming in an hour later than everyone else having a miserable experience hating Drumochter Pass 
with knees on fire to be told by Pat that I needed to cheer up whist he was again moaning about the routes!
Is there a common theme here????? 
Andy turns into big time Mr Grumpy (and apparently remained that way on his return) with everyone on the final day when he set his alarm incorrectly and we didn’t wake him up! Not a happy bunny launching into everyone with his ruffled hair and obvious lack of recovery drink to aid his waking up process. It doesn’t help if he sets his alarm after a couple of pints of Guinness using a fork instead of a proper pointer thing. Please will someone get him a new one!
Seth’s stretching routines kept him in tip top shape - king of the mountains - waited for Pat on a few occasions! Sorry Pat, probably shouldn’t have mentioned this one! Ooops!
This one is specifically for Sandra 
OK going back to earlier in the trip it was a Sunday - it was the day Jaj fell out with Pat over the routes which led to this
Off route we meet up with Jaj’s cousin
We then make it back on to the main route - through Cheddar Gorge - we lose Seth on the Bristol cycle path - he eventually finds us - we go the long way around Bristol. Paddy claims he started off with a sign post for Bristol 5 miles at 11am and by 3pm Bristol was 12 miles away.
Seth runs over a grass snake - terrified thinking it was some sort of adder as Andy then gets lost. The irony for Seth is we have 3 GPS systems but still get lost on a regular basis. Paddy nearly crashes into Seth down one of our infamous tracks covered in moss. I squeeze my bulk between a car and a hedge at about 35mph around a blind bend down a narrow road. Pat was convinced the only way I got around it was to go over the top.
To finish off the day we then hit a massive hail storm as we approach Ross where family and friends had arranged to meet us for dinner. Deano one of our trusted biker friends had made arrangements to meet us in Bristol to ride the 50 odd miles in the afternoon from Bristol to Ross. When the snow and ice arrived in the morning Deano text us all to say “I don’t do snow” Here is ‘Snowy’ keeping warm whilst we head into Ross with hail attacking us like panel pins being fired from a sub machine gun.
On a separate note- this was the day Paddy again set off for glory ahead of us all. Jaj and I plugged on to arrive and be guided to the hotel using GPS. We found it quickly - soaked through and ice cold. To our amazement who should pop up behind us…..Paddy - he’d been cycling round for 20 minutes trying to find the hotel. Really very unhappy! Tee hee!
Seth getting his massage
Random one of Jaj. Have you ever watched Father Ted??? Who does this remind you of? 
He also has a thing for leaning against signs 
It’s a shame he didn’t heed this one before he fell and punctured his legs 
Jaj in action
Another one springs to mind for the Bristol day…. We turn a corner and there across a busy road are an old couple tending their garden with their treasured west highland terrier sitting calmly. The dog takes one look at us and starts to run wanting to take our legs off. Not a problem it’s on a lead, OH NO it’s one of those extending leads…. it gets half way into the road and a car misses it by inches, he then has another go and the lead comes with it again - another incredible near miss. The couple are spinning round trying to take it all in whilst the dog sits down as the couple look on totally bemused. Nearly another roadkill to go along with pheasants, deer, badgers….
Andy has had enough!
Family along the way
Much Wenlock
Andy In Action
Aha this reminds me about the problems Mr Wilson had down under!
What a team
This picture was taken shortly before Paddy ordered Andy to go over the main dual carriageway to get him some sports beans as he was desperate for a sugar boost! Andy obliged to keep him happy but clearly didn’t do it quickly enough for Pat. At this point Paddy launches a load of abuse across four lanes of traffic reminiscent of Jack from Father Ted demanding that Andy get his arse back over here asap with his beans and get on his bike to get moving. Andy then comes across the road and a class act from a circus unfolds. He dodges the traffic using a deft technique almost sliding between Mercs and BMWs using his cycling shoes as ice skates whilst the beans are being juggled from one hand to the other leaping in the air like those beans you used to get as a kid which wouldn’t stay still. Father Jack (Paddy) still shouting just increases the tension as we look on in horror!
More action shots
Andy’s special shot for Seth - going by a speed camera. Seth asked why there were so many signs for photo opportunities along dual carriageways and main roads etc. He’d taken a lot of pictures of roads to show folks back home… Seth they are warning signs for speed cameras. Yankee ****!
New boots in order by the time we get to Scotland
Another snippet as we pass through the Bolton area - four lads must have been about 8 -10 shouting in a very broad accent “Goooo on lllads ev’ry mile counts!
Close by we take a diversion and stand alongside Mr Dave Haslam’s Walton Homes Care Fun Bus. Dave is another one of our absentee friends. He owns this care home and we have ha the use of this ‘fun bus’ for many a year to cart us around Ireland on our ‘biking trips’ Haslam no where to be seen as we roll on by. Paddy accosts a young lady coming out of the nursing home getting right into her face claiming it shouldn’t be a problem if we had our photo took alongside the bus as we know the owner. The scared woman said you can do what you like, I’m a hairdresser.
Pat looking a bit scary
Also puzzled that on the day we go through Lancaster heading for Ingleton, late, tired, may miss dinner, traffic really busy. Another point, the drivers irrespective of the fact that Lancaster proudly pronounces they are a city of cycling are the worst drivers we came across. In fact two cyclists were lying in the road as we went through and it wasn’t looking very good with sirens wailing as paramedics made their way to help them. Anyway, whilst we trudged our way through, Paddy was bemused given the time pressures and stress levels why we would take a diversion, go to Morecambe to see Andy’s aunty Betty’s for tea and home made ginger cake!
Another cold day - this is where we got donated 6 Mars bars - sympathy vote
Drumochter Pass leading to Dalwhinnie and the distillery - highest village in Scotland
£30 for a signed T shirt - good business. Paddy sticks his foot in it - this couple weren’t married Paddy leaps to wrong conclusion! A tumbleweed moment passes
The morning after 
Wilson wants to go all arty - no one interested. Barn owls lived in this desolate church and around about.
Close your eyes - me at work doing the blog early one morning
Happy days
Scenic
Painful
Joy - nearly there
And one of our excursions along the way
And so to the end - we bid you farewell a fond one with some great memories
Thanks to everyone for your fantastic support and generosity & if you haven’t coughed up yet we’ll be chasing you!
THE FAT BLOKES!